2003-01-03 - 10:21 a.m.

A Life in a Day

Actionhero circa 3rd grade

All the boys in Mr. Hawkins’ 3rd grade class loved Ursula. A sweet gray eyed blonde, she was the kind of girl who could mess up an eight year old for life. Yes all the boys loved Ursula. They always gave her sweets during lunch and picked her first for games at recess and on Valentines Day, every boy always had a special valentine for her. All except one lone wolf 3rd grader, the boy in black who always sat in the corner reading. And of course, this intrigued little Ursula and one day, during recess, as all the other boys and girls played on the slides and the swing set she walked up to the boy in black as he sat under tree surrounded by his books.

“Hi Hero. What’cha doing?”

“Begone trollop of the tire swing. I’m busy reading.”

“Reading what?”

“Well if you must know, Greek Mythology. The Trojan War. Stupid cause going to war over a girl but still, one must appreciate Hellenic warfare. Shied and spear, the phalanx, chariots ripping apart soldiers with bladed wheels.”

“Eew, that’s gross. But it’s over a girl. That’s romantic.”

“Of course YOU would say that. Do me a favor and when you’re knocked up before the 8th grade let me know. Personally I think romance is pointless. I think war should be fought for better reasons, like gold and trade and socio-economic ideology and…and…giant robots. Like in Voltron. I think I’ll go to the library and check out some of the other books. I think I say some giant robots in that World War II book. I think one of them was named Patton.”

“No, don’t go. Come play dodge ball with us.”

“I think not my little recess slattern. Let the other boys posture for you, I have things to prepare for.”

“Please? I’ll keep saying please until you say yes!!! Please please please please please….”

“Allright!! Shut up!! Obviously you don’t know the meaning of no, a fact that should make you rather popular in Middle School. Let’s go.”

Actionhero and Ursula reluctantly go to the dodge ball circle. Ursula hands Actionhero a ball and runs to the center of the circle.

“Ha ha!! Betcha can’t tag me!! None of the boys ever can!!”

Actionhero looks around the circle. “You, kid with the chocolate stain on your t-shirt. Give me your ball.”

Actionhero take aim and throws both balls at Ursula, hitting her right in the face woith both of them.

“Ooowww!!! You hit me!!!! That HURT!!”

“Oh suck it up. I’m sure that you’ll soon learn to love getting balled in the face. Okay kids. The moral of the story is don’t let romantic sentiment get in the way of kicking ass. Thus endeth the lesson. Now if you excuse me, I’m going in for a shot of apple juice and a nap.”

And so it began….

Actionhero circa middle school
(Because Actionhero really hates middle school—for a variety of reasons—the setting for this will be at Hogwarts.)

All the first year students stood in the line for the sorting hat as Professor McGonnagal called names.

“Actionhero!”

Hero waled up to the stool and put the sorting hat on his head. “Hmmm,” the hat said. “This is a tough one.”

“Hurry up you damn Muppet, I’m hungry. And put me in a house with some cute honeys.”

“Let’s see. Good brain. Could be a Ravenclaw….”

“Hmm, I’m down with the brain girls. You can get a nerd girl to do some freak stuff.”

“And a hard worker for Hufflepuff….”

“Please no. Those Hufflepuff girls are kind of manish. Though if wouldn’t mind if a couple of them worked hard at polishing the knob at the end of my staff of the magi, if you know what I mean.”

“And certainly malevolent enough for Slytherin….”

“Only if I can pimp slap that punk ass Draco like a two sickle crack whore.”

“Well you certainly have the balls for Gryffindor. You might as well go there.”

“Well I am the Lion of Zion. And I still get to bitch smack that ass ranger Malfoy. You hear me Malfoy?!?! I’m gonna get eldritch on your ass!!!”

***

Actionhero sat at the Gryffindoor table. The boy next to him turned with a smile. “Hi I’m Harry Potter. This is Ron. We’re first years too.”

“And I’m Hermione Granger. I’m a first year too. I’ve just read up all about this place and about magic and….”

“Hey, Ho-I-Own-You or what ever your name is. Shut up and let a player have seat. My name’s Actionhero.”

“That’s a cool name.”

“Yeah Ron, thanks. I’m a cool kind of muthafucker. I’m here to get my mage on and learn some bad-ass skills. Get all Dr. Strange, Dr. Fate, John Constantine Trench Coat Brigade up in this shit.”

“Now that you have all been sorted” Professor Dumbledoor announced. “Let’s eat.”

“Damn this is some good food. What’s the stuff in the pitcher?”

”Pumpkin juice.”

“Hey! Professor! Can I have a smooth refreshing malt liquor? This pumpkin juice taste kind of nasty.”

***

Professor Snape: “I can teach you how to stopper death and bottle glory…”

Actionhero: “Can you teach me how to make some coviossier or some gin and juice? I still haven’t gotten the taste of the pumpkin juice out of my mouth.”

***

The House Quidditch Game:

Lee Jordan commentator: “And Actionhero has the quaffle and is amking a run!! He ducks he dodges, OOO he just back handed Slytherin Captain Marcus Flint like a two sickle Kingston crack whore—sorry Professor but you have to admit he’s missing teeth like one—and Actionhero scores!!

Actionhero: “You know I got game!!”

***

The Dueling Club:

Draco Malfoy: “Ready to get beat Hero?”

Actionhero: “Cracker please. You’re going to be Voldemort’s bitch before this is over.”

Draco: “I don’t see how. I’ve the best wand money can buy. 9 inches, ash and unicorn horn.”

Actionhero: “Unicorn huh. Fits a pansy ass like you. Mine are a twin matched set pistol grip 12 inch , .50 caliber oak and Chinese dragon heartstrings mixed with the ashes of 13 Hong Kong hit mages with inlaid hades gems, halo steel and the bones of saints, quenched in demons blood and for just that extra bit of hard ass, they’re heavy enough so that I can pimp slap you with them after I get though cursing you.”

***

The Gryffindoor Common Room:

“Harry look, you-know-who can’t have come back…what are you all doing here?”

Actionhero: “Whazzup??? Well…hehe…Lee and the twins here were lighting up some of Lee’s special conjurer’s chronic…hehe, damn Lee this shit is dank…and then Neville came down and showed us some of the stuff he’s figured out in herbology…you know, I wondered why they called it Gilly-WEED…and, well I was going to figure out what was in the Chamber ofSecrets until I got high!! HA HA HA!!!

Hermione: “I’M SHOCKED!!!! I’M GOING UP TO MY ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!!”

Actionhero: “Don’t be like that baby!! Oh well I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave. Girl’s got as ass like a bucket of chicken. A beautiful sight…. Harry, Ron, sit down get high….Damn, I’ve got the munchies. Someone call up a house elf…Oh and Ron if you want to get in Hermione’s panties, and I know you do which is cool,n let me know. I’ll fuck up that Kurm no problem. Seriously man, I hate them Bulgarians and you’re my boy. By the way, how old is your sister and is she a real red head? Never mind, I’ll figure it out.

***

Actionhero meets Fleur:

“’ello. I am Fleur.”

“Bootylicious.”

***

Actionhero and the final showdown with Lord Voldemort

“You’re Voldemort? A snake man wizard? Reptile please!! This shit is so Conan!! How the hell can you rip off James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom!! Next you’ll start asking me what is best in life. Here’s my answer. A tall, cool refreshing 40 of malt liquor, twins, and kicking your Robert E. Howard ripping off ass. You better recognize!”

To be continued.

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