2003-04-19 - 7:18 p.m.

So I think I've been damned by predestination, by what I like to call the "Big Deal With God."

Maybe a little of the old Catholic upbringing stuck but I always felt that I cut this deal with God where I get...something but I give up something. We're I trying to sound cool and Neil Gaiman esq, I'd say I got the ability to be me but I had to pay the price of being me. On other days, I think that I get my life to not be so shitty and a modicum of talent at what I do but I give up any semblacne of that normal mundane life that Drone American gets to live and glorified on MTV and the Networks.

Were I trying not to be so pretentious, I'd say God says I'm going to be single forever, every attempt to find a girlfriend ends up in the friend zone or sabotaged by dinvine intervention in some way, and in return, I get to do "The Work" and take my place in the ineffable plan of The Name and hopefully get my payoff at some point.

So yeah, without going into details (nothing gory, just shit you could interpret) I think God's telling me that my life is going be all about The Work, and love and relationships have no place in it.

Or perhaps it's his way to sending me a message: you're going to be a cynical shit about relationships, then you can be single forever. Like I'm the fucking Figtree when The Man has the munchies.

Or maybe I get to be the message, the Last Single Guy, the last Batchelor, like the Wandering Jew, or Longinus or the Phantom Stranger, wandering eternity as a symbol.

Or maybe I've just been working too hard and my brain is melting.

Bitter, tired, pissed off, lonely and feeling damned by The Name. Yup. Perfect mood for history.

FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!! BRING ME DRUGS AND HOLY WATER FONT TO SHIT IN!!!!! MY MEAT GUN MUST BE AIMED AND I SHALL BLOW THE KNEE CAPS OFF CLIO AND PISTOL WHIP HER UNTIL SHE SCREAMS MY NAME AND SHOVE NEEDLES OF HEROINE IN HER EYES AND MAKE HER MY WHORE SLUT BITCH!!!! ALONE AGAINST THE WORLD? DIOGENESE LOOKING FOR AN HONEST MAN IN A WORLD OF WHORES AND BASTARDS? BRING IT ON FUCKERS. IF I COULD I'D SHOOT THE WORLD AND FUCK THE WOUND, USING HUMANITY AS THE CONDOM. AND YOU MARRIED PEOPLE?

GO FUCK YOURSELVES AND WHEN YOU START SHITTING OUT THAT RED YOLK ABORTIONS GONE WRONG YOU CALL KIDS AND YOUR LIVES TURN INTO THE RASOR WIRE ASS RAPING THAT IS DONNA REED BEING ANALLY VIOLATED BY COURTNEY LOVE, I'LL BE WATCHING FROM ON HIGH AS YOU DROWN IN MUNDANE SUBURBIAN FILTH AND PISS ON YOUR GRAVES. I'LL BE WANDERING THE PLANES AND LAUGHING SILLY WHEN YOUR FACES ARE BEING USED AS DEMON MAXIPADS. FUCK YOU ALL AND DIE LIKE THRID WORLD CRIB DEATH BABIES: UNMOURNED AND SECRETLY CELEBRATED THAT YOU TROUBLE MY LIFE NO MORE.

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