2003-07-06 - 2:05 a.m.

So yeah, I think I need a change of pace. I wonder what it would be like if I got a job in England….”

Summer at Hogwarts was always a quiet time. But Albus Dumbledore knew today was different. Today, he was interviewing the new candidate for the position of Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts and unless he was mistaken, the man he was going to interview today was going to be his choice. The sound of music suddenly drifted up from the entrace way to his office.

Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nuthin’ to fuck with….”

Ah yes, Dumbledore thought. Here he is now.

Actionhero walked into the room with a strut straight out of Superfly. He was wearing Hong Kong Killer Chic: a lightweight summer suit, black long coat, matchstick between his teeth, a matched set of gold plated, dragon embossed .45s in a leather double rig: the usual.

“Ah, Actionhero, welcome back to Hogwarts. Can I offer you a drink?”

“I’ll have a smooth refreshing malt liquor if you got it.”

“Here you go. Please have a seat. You look well. Still carrying those muggle weapons I see.”

“Yeah well you know how it is. Some of these dark wizard assholes are so into their magic shit you can put them down with some good old-fashioned cold iron. There was this cat out in Hong Kong, bad ass Chinese sorceror. Fu Man Chu mustache, hopping vampire legions, the works. But the bastard kept going for Avada Kedava that I just pulled the steel and went all Woo on his punk ass old school style. Bullet to the head, you know?”

“But you still have your wands.”

The Hero put down his glass and held his arms and hands up. With the slightest flick of his writs, two wands slid into his hands, which he then twirled and lay on Dumbledore’s desk. “10 inches, California redwood for that West Coast free style flavor but with a Dragon’s Heartstring’s core for a little of that Eastside hardness. You know I got game, Albus.”

Well, you know that’s why I’ve asked you here, right?”

“I know. I also know that you need a bad ass mutha-fucka to lay down some next level Defense Against the Dark Arts shit on your kids. I know that frog faced bitch you had in here last term didn’t cut it, fucking bureaucrat cunt that she is. And the bottom line, old son, is that I’ve got the mad skills you need. I may not be one of your Ministry Hit Wizards but you know my resume and my rep.”

“Of course, Actionhero. I remember when you came to Hogwarts as an exchange student. Quite the energetic individual.”

“Hey, is it my fault the dorm enchantment allows the girls to come into my room and not the other way around?”

“And I’ve kept up with your exploits with the NSA—the National Sorcery Agency.”

“Fucking bunch of bureaucrats. Still, license to curse and all that.”

“Well, I do remember Remus Lupin giving you high praise. And Kinglsley Shacklebolt told me about the time the two of you recovered that box of Galleons.”

“Shit, Remus is my dog. And Kinglsey Shacklebolt—I remember when that fucker had hair. Big ass Afro. And he always used to say the weirdest shit before he busted a spell on someone. ‘The path of the righteous wizard…” or some shit.”

“Well at any rate, the job is yours, if you want it. And there might be some extra activities that go ”

”What’s my name Albus? Shit, I’ll take it. And that spoky conspiracy shit too. By the way, if memory serves me, they was this punk girl I ‘knew’ here named Tonks. Do you know if she’s around?”

“I might be able to introduce you. Why?”

“First she’s got pink hair and I dig that whole punk look. Bootylicious. Second, she’s a shape shifter and you know what that means in the sack. And finally, she’s named Nympho. What more do I have to say?”

previous - next