2005-02-08 - 11:33 p.m.

Action, Actually Story I

Vittoria sat at her desk working on her computer. It was one of those slow days at Man of Mystery, Inc., with no ninjas or espionage or the usual ultra-violence. Just a lot of glorified paperwork that was needed for the upkeep of the company. The door to her office opened and Vittoria looked up and saw Gonzo walk in. She smiled, barely keeping her blush under control.

“Hey there, Viki,” Gonzo said, dropping a disk on her desk and dropping himself into a chair, sipping his cup of coffee. With typical gonzo fashion sense, he was dressed like some past his prime corporate tech support monkey: rumpled Dockers and polo shirt with some odd corporate branding, no doubt something that he’d picked up in a sale. But Vittoria’s eyes danced over him, noting that for all his slumping and pretense at being bulky and out of shape, there was a certain hardness to there. And of course, he had that Edge.

“Those are my recommendations on how to beef up security, along some cost projections. The biggest thing we need is a new teleporter scrambler but I think an overhaul of the entire shielding system is needed and for that I need to bring in some people. The rest is your basic upkeep and stuff. Not too bad, Kip and his team do a good job.”

“Yes, but I was wondering if we really need all these weapon systems for the building. Like these,” Vittoria said, calling up a new page on her screen. “What are Spengler-Stanz Mk VI proton cannons and why do we spend $20,000 a month on their upkeep?”

“They’re designed to trap psychokinetic energy so you can use a PKE trap contain it. Basically they’re ghost buster guns.”

“But we have wards and spell locks and rune bullets for that don’t we?”

“You knew Actionhero. He was a paranoid bastard. And those guns had a certain…history attached to them. Besides, those cannons are the best way to hold a specter. Trust me, we ever have to deal with that then you’ll love those damn things are worth every penny. Actually, I’ve suggested we upgrade to the Mark VIIs. They can actually disperse PKE instead of just containing it.”

“If you say so. Personally, I like Hail Mary Hollow Points myself.”

“I like those too. Helped me and Silky out once with this Chinese ghost story.”

“You’ve certainly got a lot of stories.”

“Not as many as Actionhero had but I’ve had my share.”

“Anything romantic?”

“Depends on your definition.”

Before Vittoria could ask more probing questions Suki burst through the door to the Girl Friday’s office.

“Guys, I just had a great idea!!” Suki stopped as she looked at the pair of raised pistols aimed at her. “You know, you both really have to learn to stop doing that.”

“What is it Suki?” Vittoria asked, holstering her pistol.

“I was just thinking that what we need to have is a party.”

“We just had the wake for Actionhero,” Gonzo said. “That should have been a party enough for everyone.”

“No, I mean a real party. Something fun. Everyone’s still all bitter since…New Orleans.” Suki paused for a moment but then smiled again. Action Angels were tough girls inside and out. “So I was thinking that since most of the Invisibles are still in the City, we should have a party. For Valentines Day.”

Gonzo almost choked on his coffee. “Valentines Day?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!”

“Look Gonzo, it’s been a while. I think we can have a fresh start….”

“SUKI IT’S FUCKING VALENTINES DAY!!!!! You might as well celebrate veganism!! Or invite goddamn Techyoto over for tea and goddamn weed!!!”

“Oh those Techyoto fucks are getting what’s coming to them Gonz. But I still think it’s time for a change. Look, I know the boss had his…issues with Valentines Day. And, you know I loved the big lug, but don’t you think it was a bit extreme? And come on, it was all kind of an act right? They did call him “the last romantic” after all.”

“Yeah right before he shot them.”

“Excuse me,” Vittoria said, a puzzled look on her face. “What is the problem with Valentines Day?’

“It’s a bit before your time Suki,” Gonzo said. “So let me tell this.”

Flashback: A Valentines Ghost Story or Why Actionhero Hates Valentines Day

It would be inaccurate to say that Actionhero hated Valentines Day. He loathed it, he despised it. He made the day his personal day of jihad against love. Sometimes he would lock himself in one of the armories and design complicated weapons which he used to shoot lovers in the park, chocolate and flower shops, people who looked happy. Oh he wouldn’t use real bullets; just subsonic sandbag jellies. Technically non-lethal. And he even had them designed to look like those disgusting chalk flavored candy hearts, right down to the idiotic platitudes. Sometimes he would strap on one of his Seacord 7 “Rocketeer” jetpacks and fly around the city, terrorizing couples riding in carriages, having picnics, holding hands. And if he ran across a chapel with a Valentines Day wedding, well, there was a reckoning. It had gotten bad enough that the then Girl Friday Miss Pix had eventually yelled at him to knock it off. So he did what any rational man would do: stunned her with a wad of random currency, threw her out for the day, and continued about his jihad.

And then it happened.

Actionhero was sitting in his office, mapping out all of the weddings happening in the City when he felt a chill in the air. Naturally, he reached for his gold-plated, dragon embossed .45.

“Okay, asshole,” he said to the empty room at large. “It’s February which means I take greater pleasure in causing suffering. And this gun isn’t loaded with jelly belly bullets.”

The air in the room seemed to thicken like a fog, condensing into a semitransparent figure of man.

“Hero….”

Actionhero arched an eyebrow as he recognized the figure. “Doc?”

“That’s right, Actionhero. It’s me, Clark Savage.”

“Wait a sec. You’re dead. You died trying to stop Jacosta Krupp’s alternate Earth Rocket Nazis from breaching the Bleed into our reality. This is some kind of hallucination right? It’s that “Big Bite” hotdog I had for lunch, right? Or is this some hallucination from that bastard Curare?”

“No ‘Hero. I’m the ghost of the man you knew, who died a fool’s death. And I’m here to bring you a warning. Today, on Valentines Day, you will be visited by the Ghosts of Valentines Past, Present, and Future. They bring a message for you: a chance to avoid the fate that I could not.”

“What? Getting capped by jet pack riding Aryan fuckers from Alter Earth?”

“No you fool. Look.” The ghost raised his arms. Actionhero could see the belts and bandoliers loaded with weapons that girded Doc Savage. “The weapons I made for my adventures now stand as my chains. All my life I was devoted to adventures. They were my life. Nothing else was important: not family, not love. And so I died alone, unwept, and all the things I lived my life for are now dust and ashes. Look upon my works, Hero and despair, for your fate is worse than mine.”

“That,” Actionhero said, slowly. “Is the biggest piece of horseshit I’ve ever heard.”

The ghost gestured to his side. Three more apparitions appeared. One was a woman in a black leather catsuit, her poise showing off unarmed combat training. Another was a dark suited man wearing sunglasses and a long coat and carrying a pair of pistols. The third was some kind of combat robot bristling with arcane weaponry.

“These spirits will show you your past, present and future. Heed their lessons….”

Before the ghost of Doc Savage could fade out, Actionhero keyed his neural triggers. Panels in the walls and ceiling opened and slim metal wands appeared, firing spinning reels of energy at the ghosts. The specters writhed and screamed but the energy bands held them.

“Nice try, ‘Doc,’” Actionhero said smugly as he casually walked over to a table full of gear. “You might have gotten me with this ‘Christmas Carol’ crap. But you made a few mistakes. First, never fuck with a man with a PKE reader built into his shades. I read your telluric auras the moment you appeared. You’re nothing more than basic specters, probably sent here to ‘teach me a lesson about loving love.’ I think I have an idea who sent you jerk-offs but that’s for later.”

“Second,” Actionhero said walking over to the captured set, putting a strange looking box on the floor and kicking it . “There are no ghosts of Valentines Day. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard of. It’s a Hallmark holiday, with a fictional religious history created by the Vatican in exchange for stock options. Nothing most people would know but then, I know more than a few secrets of the seedy underbelly of St. Peters. So you can drop the masking.”

The specters now resembled desiccated corpses, faces and features twisted and bleeding off into mist.

“And finally," he said, looking at the ghost who had impersonated Doc Savage. "You should try impersonating a man who isn’t dead.” He keyed his neural trigger again and the box opened, swallowing the spirits. Shutting off the proton cannons, Actionhero picked up the box.

“Now, where to dump you fuckers. Hmm, looks like its time to see if that upgrade to the rocket pack will get me to Antarctica and back after all.”

***

“And that,” Gonzo said crossing his arms. “Is why we spend twenty grand on ghost buster guns and why we don’t celebrate Valentines Day.”

Suki and Vittoria looked at him and then each other.

“So,” Vittoria said, picking up her palm pilot. “I take it I should book a caterer and get Kip and maintenance crew to fix up the office with decorations?”

“Yeah,” Suki replied. “Do you think we should have a sit down dinner this time or stick with the buffet?”

Gonzo walked out of the room shaking his head. “Women. Why is it they never listen?”

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