2005-03-05 - 1:00 a.m.

Gonzo Chang walked back into his room at Man of Mystery, Inc. and dropped his kit bag of guns. From his bed, The West End Girl looked up from the magazine she was reading.

“I though you had that pistols at dawn thing with Vittoria?”

“Thought so too,” Gonzo said as he dropped to the bed. “She didn’t show. When I went by her office, she wasn’t in. Just an empty carton of ice cream and note from Suki that they were off doing girl stuff.”

The Girl smiled and snuggled closer to him. “Well I’m not one to complain that I have you for the rest of the morning.”

“Damn woman,” Gonzo said with a wry smile as he felt her hands begin to play across his body and reach inside his sweatpants. “I’m not a machine.”

“But I am….”

***

Suki took a belt from the bottle of Quetzelcouatl tequila and looked out over the City as the sun came up. City mornings were nice, making the whole town look new and fresh. Suki could see the Moderné and City Center looking almost jewel-like and even places like Night City didn’t look like a blighted piece of hell-bound urban shit, if only for five minutes. She had only been to the observation aerie at the top of the Savage Building once or twice, and even then just to check that the jetpacks Actionhero kept there were still in working order. It wasn’t really her thing, looking out over the City and plotting like Actionhero used to, when he too many drugs and went all Ozymandias. But it was a great place to have a private chat.

Or a fuck. I need to remember this in the unlikely event that I ever find a guy who can get me out of second without his engine melting.

She turned back to Vittoria, who was scraping the contents of the ice cream carton with a spoon and look of determination.

“This is sooooooooooooooo good,” she muttered. “Do you have any more tequila?”

Suki shook her head and passed her the bottle. Vittoria took several gulps and coughed, sputtering.

“Look Vit. I know it kinda sucks to find out that Gonz is banging that dye job, anorexic Emma Peel wannabe slut but—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—maybe you should go easy here.”

“Why her Suki?!?! Why not me?!?!”

“Well I know you like him but did you ever tell him? I mean I know you have thing Gonzo but does he know?”

“Well, I didn’t say…but we hang out all the time!! We have a pistols date every day!!! He should know by now!!”

Suki gave a snorting laugh. “Vit, hon, sorry to say this but when it comes to women Gonzo a dumb as a bag of bullets. I’ll bet you a brick of Kami Kronic that West End Skank must have had to tie him down and rape his stupid ass before he got the idea she wanted him.”

“But why her?!?!!?! What’s she have that I don’t???? Am I not pretty enough? Is it my breasts? My butt?”

Suki shrugged and lit one of her Chinese cigarettes, Chairman Mao menthols cut with ginsing and just a hit of Canton Crippie.

“Well she does have a cute butt,” Suki said with a sly smile, and then saw the un-amused look on Vittoria’s face.

“Look it isn’t you,” she continued. “You’ve got that Italian hellcat Swiss Miss sweet little catholic schoolgirl assassin thing going. If we made a poster of you, guys would put up on their wall and spend all their time looking at you and spanking it. You’re a hottie. But, well, Gonzo and Westie have a history. They met through the Boss and you know what kind of crazy ass adventures Actionhero got into. Experiences like that count for a lot. Plus, she’s one of those MI-6, SAS, Her Majesty’s Secret Service Wet Girls, the first one to make double ‘O’ if you can believe the talk in the Ghost. Gonzo has a thing for girls like that.”

Suki smiled again. “And she’s a blonde. With a British accent. You gotta realize that’s like kryptonite for some of the people we know.”

Vittoria grabbed one of Suki’s Chairman Mao’s and lit up, slumping against one of the aerie’s glass walls.

“It still sucks.”

Suki shook her head. Girl must be really upset. I’ve never seen her smoke and she attacked that ice cream like a lycanthrope on crack. And she’s not even wearing her suit anymore, just a bra and panties. This is serious. She slid over next to Vittoria and gave her a hug.

“It’s all right, Vit. It’s okay. Boys are stupid.” She heard Vittoria give a small half-laugh/half-sob. She pulled back and began to wipe away Vittoria’s tears. “Tell you what. Let’s a have a Girl Day. Just you and me. We can do whatever you want. We can write harassing memos to Helena. Or make dirty phone calls to Westminster Abbey. I know how much you like messing with Anglicans. Or we can go shopping for new Chanel business suits with really big shoulder pads. Or we can smoke pot and watch “the Sound of Music.” Come on. Tell Suki what you want.”

Vittoria looked at Suki. Her arms were still around Suki’s neck, resting on her shoulders. Vittoria smiled. Suki was such a great friend. Really more like the sister she always wanted. And now, Vittroia felt that she was something more between them. She bit her lip, as if nervous and then, in that soft voice she used when she was really shy she whispered “Suki, I really want…I mean what I really really want…”

“Yes?”

“Is to fucking kill something.”

“God I love it when you talk dirty.”

***

The bouncer stood outside the dayclub, bored as usual. He liked his job, since it paid about twice what he would make at a normal nightclub but it was pretty boring. Most people walked by the closed doors of the anonymous looking building without giving it a second look. In fact you’d probably only know about the dayclub if you were a vampire and if you were a vampire, you didn’t come in through the front in broad daylight. You used the underground garage. Of course Helsings knew but most of the experienced hunters left dayclubs alone. Only the incredibly stupid or the incredibly skilled tried to storm a day club full of vamps enjoying downtime. The bouncer could handle the former easily and as for the latter, they were all prima donnas busy with their own personal vendettas against Masters that they didn’t have time for random club attacks.

He bent his head to light a smoke and when he looked up, the cig dropped from his lips. Two of the most gorgeous women in this or any dimension were walking towards him. They wore matching leather bodysuits under long coats and bouncer boy didn’t know what to look at first: their luscious curves or weapons that were obviously strapped to them. They stopped in front of him. The Japanese girl in the blowjob red colored leathers smiled at him.

“Hi. Unless you want to piss us off—and you really don’t want to piss us off—you’re gonna let us in right?”

Bouncer boy swallowed thickly. These were like no Helsings he’d ever seen but he knew they were trouble. “Look, girls, I don’t want trouble….”

The other girl, the dark hared one in black hit him.

Suki looked at the unconscious bouncer, watching as Vittoria grabbed the bunch of keys on his belt.

“Damn. That’s some cold shit.”

“I’m feeling bitchy today,” Vittoria said as she unlocked the door to the club and walked inside.

They walked though a series of nearly lightless hallways, flowing the pulsing sound of music until they finally emerged at a balcony overlooking a largish dance floor. Dozens of men and women in hipster outfits milled around below, dancing to the something like sounded like high voiced girls talking dirty in German, drinking at bars and table, making out in dark corners under neon lights. All in all it looked like a typical nightclub. Until you noticed the lights all had UV filters. Or that the drinks were all a distinct red liquid. Or that when they smiled, they showed fangs.

Suki could feel Vittoria tense. “Okay you sure you want to do this?” She turned ands saw the smile on Vittoria’s face. She recognized the smile; she had it herself but usually there was pot, cars, or naked boy toys involved. “Well that answers that. Okay, remember what I said.”

“You know, I have done this before.”

“Yeah but City Vamps are different. Here we’ve got all kinds. Old school dracs AND new blood mutant wannabes. And they’re not easy to tell apart. So holy water might kill some dracs but it might just make other wet. And pissed off. Same with bullets. Some might go down with a standard slug, the others might need silver. Or a consecrated.”

“Then I’ll just have to change genres on them won’t I?”

Vittoria vaulted to the floor, landing in a fighting crouch. She dropped her kit bag, letting it fall open to reveal a weapon buffet of death. She shrugged off her coat, showing off the rest of her arsenal, which, just this morning had been Actionhero’s old Vampire Hunter Fiction Suit. When Suki had given it to her, Vittoria was so overcome by the gesture she almost came.

The vampires all stared at her. Some hissed, bared fangs. Others drew weapons: guns, swords, the usual vanilla. Vittoria smiled back.

“My name is Vittoria Verta, a solider of Holy Mother Church. I killed Dracula. The boy I like is sleeping with someone else. I’m in a bad mood. So bring it. Bitches.”

A skinny pale blonde girl, dressed in a skimpy, gauzy black dress with tacky ankh jewelry rushed her. Vittoria waited and then hit the Anoerexic Rice with a palm strike right in the middle of her forehead. The force of the blow knocked the vamp girl to the ground and Vittoria held her there, pressing her hand harder as the skin of the vampire began to smolder and burn. The vampire’s scream was a horrific keening, but Vittoria’s smile never wavered. Finally, the screaming and the writhing stopped and Vittoria stood up. The vampire girl’s body stayed on the floor, everything above the neck a charred lump of ash. Vittoria raised her and a rosary dropped down to the floor. The vampires all stood still in horror. And then the sudden violence. Some ran, broke for the exit. More either started shooting or surged forward to Vittoria who threw her body into a cartwheeling arc to the side. As she spun over her bag she reached in and grabbed a pair of Uzi and fired in widening arcs as she landed. Solid lead, silver, hollow points filled with everything from consecrated wood to holy water gel to white phosphorous guaranteed to kill every last motherfucking vampire in the room. Some screamed, others exploded in shower of blood and jellied organs. Some stayed down, others got madder. Vittoria looked for those and went for headshots and got more jelly showers.

Above the growing carnage, the dayclub dj turned to run and all but impaled himself onto Suki’s outstretched Hanzo sword. “Play my girl some music to kill Lestats to. Something with a beat.”

The dj caught his breath. “Prodigy sound okay?”

Suki grinned. “Smack my bitch up.”

Vittoria emptied the clips of the Uzi into some vamps. She’d gotten a lot of them but there were still more standing. And some of the ones she’d shot were getting up.

Good. Time for what Suki calls ‘that psycho Bruce Lee shit.’

The speakers then began to pulse. Up beat tempo, almost acoustic staccato, followed by a riff. Even the vamps froze to listen. Vittoria looked up at the dj booth and saw the dj spinning with Suki behind him, Hanzo sword drawn. She smiled and blew Vittoria a kiss.

The lyrics kicked in.

Change my picture. Smack my bitch up.

Vittoria turned to the Vamps. She crooked a finger. They obliged her.

She met the first vamp with a knuckle-elbow-wooden stake through the heart combo that turned him into a soft shower of dust. More vamps rushed her, in a group this time. She drew a second stake and went to town. Her fighting style moved from school to school. -Jeet-kun-do mixed with Shaolin Tiger Crane. Aikido defense morphing to round house liver punches. But all ending with the fire hardened oak stakes, carved with sigils from six major religions, including Dianetics just in case. If heart stabs didn’t instantly dust them, then she went for a throat shot just to make sure. It worked. The vamps went down or went all dusty from them. Then the last vamp of the wave came in close to cut her with a wakizashishort sword. Vittoria parried with the kevlar-titanium forearm shields on her armor and drove a stake into his chest. He cursed but didn’t dust. She rammed the other in his throat, but he blocked with his arm and the stake ended up ripping though the bones of wrist with a Rice Krispy snap crackel and pop. But he was still alive. Vittoria hit him one more time, driving the stake in his chest deeper and pushing him back a few feet, but not killing.

“Stupid papist whore!!! I’m new blood. Do you think this stake can kill me?”

“No. But the C-4 inside it might.” Vittoria smiled, as she stepped back a few paces and held up the slim detonator she now held in her hand, the big red button prominent. She pressed it. The explosion turned everything above the vampire’s into a shower of burned meat.

Distracted by the explosion, Vittoria’s guard was dropped long enough for a vamp to grab her from behind. Automatically he went for her neck, fangs bared and ready to drain. His teeth sank into the high, thick, leather collar brace and then his head jerked back, the his mouth bubbling and hissing, his jaw melting into bloody foam. Vittoria watched him stagger back, and then ripped the torn leather armor away, revealing her unblemished virgin neck.

“Garlic extract and holy water gel in a special layer. Read it in my girl-friend’s comic book. Though it was a good idea.”

Another vamp attacked from behind. This time, Vittoria was ready and at the last minute snapped a kick, driving the heel of her boot into the vampire’s chest. The vampire spit blood and gagged. Vittroia pulled her foot free, the blood soaked heel showing nevertheless a hint of silver, and leg sill raised, bent her knee and gashed the heel across his face.

Suki smiled and looked at the horror stick dj. “Now that’s what I call a stiletto heel.”

The dj just looked at her. Suki made a face and smacked him with the flat of the Hanzo blade. “That was a joke, Jazzy Jeff. You’re supposed to laugh. Even if it wasn’t funny.”

She turned back to the floor and saw that instead of waiting for attacks—which had dropped off in frequency and intensity—Vittoria had taken the offensive. She rushed the remaining groups of vampires, attacking them with whatever weapon or style came to mind. She watched as Vittoria shoved communion wafers into vampires’ mouths, making their heads explode or coated them in consecrated oil…which she ignited with thermite caps if the vamp was a new blood. Others got their necks cut by whirling silver edged butterfly knives or their heads caved in by sold silver knuckle-dusters. One vampire was caught around the neck by a good two feet of rosary, the twin weighted crucifixes turning it into a bolo. Suki wasn’t sure if the vampire died by suffocation first of by the burning. Fleeing vampires got crucifix knives in their backs or just plain had caps busted in their asses, as Vittoria periodically pulled guns from her bag ranging from Glock fully automatic pistols to sawed shotguns with barrels wide enough to drive a Heph airship through. The air smelled of blood, ash, burned pork. The carnage was awesome. Suki looked the dj next to her who collapsed on the floor, crying and vomiting and then look at Vittora who was kneeling over another blonde vampire girl and grinding a burning stick of Buddhist incense in her eye and muttering, if Suki’s lip reading was accurate, something about ‘East End Boys and West End Girls my Catholic ass.’

“Oh my god,” Suki said. “I created a monster. Yay.”

***

Gonzo and The West End Girl rode the elevator down arm in arm. They had spent the morning naked in bed, fucking, eating food raided from the fridge, and watching Japanese cartoons.

“I don’t see why we just can’t spend all day naked in bed, Gonz.”

“We need to our exercise Westie.”

She snorted. “Says the man whose idea of exercise is sitting in front of a computer, eating take-out dim sum and designing weapons.”

“Says the girl who always wants them.”

The West End Girl smiled and ran her hand down the front of Gonzo’s pants. “Mmmm, well the Beatles did say that happiness is a warm gun.”

“Stop it you. We have to meet Silky. He’s got info on these Techyoto bastards. Business before pleasure.”

She pulled her hand away, albeit reluctantly. It had been a while since she had been in a relationship and even longer since she’d seen Gonzo. Despite her cool manner, she was quickly becoming a giddy schoolgirl again, and more, was enjoying it.

“You’re no fun. Ok, ok, I’ll behave. Besides I hate Techyoto as much as you do. Especially that bitch Tetsu-Ko. I’ve got an old score to settle with her.”

The door opened at the garage level and Gonzo and The Girl stepped out…and stopped as Suki and Vittoria walked up to them. Suki looked more or less normal; even her blowjob red bodysuit and weapons kit was something Gonzo had seen before. But Vittoria; her coat was shredded and stained with blood, ooze, and splattered meat chunks. Her black leather catsuit was torn, in a thousand places, showing scratched skin and dented armor plate. Her hair was a matted mess and she was covered in more gore than a Tarantino film. Perhaps most disturbingly, she sported a dazzling million dollar smile.

“Hi Gonz, Westie. Stepping out?”

Gonzo looked at her with an arched eyebrow. “Yeah. You okay?”

“Never better. Sorry about this morning. Me and Suki had girl stuff to take care of. But we’re on for tomorrow, okay? And you better bring you’re A game. I’m feeling competitive. And Westie, come by my office sometime today. I’ve got loads of questions about London. We should do a movie tonight too! Well, I’m of to the showers. See you later!”

Vittoria walked to the elevator, followed by Suki who smiled at the Gonzo and The Girl.

“Suki?” Gonzo asked. “Anything you want to tell me?”

She coked her head and thought for a sec. “Yeah. Can you pick up some ice cream?”

She walked into the elevator and smiled—along with Vittoria—at the couple. As the doors closed, Suki smiled at their reflection.

“You know, Vit, she does have a cute butt.”

Never turning her head or changing her expression, Vittoria raised her hand next to Suki and ever so casually, extended her middle finger.

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