2005-03-17 - 10:51 a.m.

The Intern

First Day

“For the last fucking time, NO!”

“Look, Suki, it’s easy money and it’s not a part, strictly speaking, of the Will’s movie bequest.”

Vittoria Verta walked into the main office of Man of Mystery, Inc. unperturbed by the sight—and sound—of her boss yelling at a hologram of a lawyer. The girl following her, Ursula Ryder, a spectacled, bookishly pretty blonde, was more stunned, her eyes growing large behind her glasses.

“Look Jon or Michael or whatever the hell your name is. I don’t care if you’re the golden boy media god of Helena’s little fiefdom. I don’t care if you’re the guy behind the guy behind the guy. I don’t care if you think this would be an easy score. But there is no way I am licensing out ANY likenesses from Man of Mystery, Inc. to that fucking porno company!!”

“Look, babe, it’s a solid lock. We get points on retail sales on three continents plus the upfront fee. Ten figures easy by the end of the year. And I swear, it’ll be tasteful. Good plot, kick ass writing, European production standards. You’ll love it.”

“Not if I’m being played by some fat cow named Jade Gate!!”

“She’s a contract girl. And she’s not fat. She’s hot. Spikes on all the major criteria. And she’s huge in South America….”

“SHE’S HUGE ALL RIGHT!!! SHE’S GOT AN ASS YOU CAN SEE FROM MARS!!!! MY ASS IS A HUNDRED TIMES CUTER THAN THAT SKANK’S!!!! It’s perky and pert and toned goddamn it!! Like two ostrich eggs in Harley leather. That’s cow’s ass looks like half baked Pillsbury biscuits filled with silicone!!”

Vittoria turned to Ursula and smiled. “Perhaps we should just get you to the library and let you get started. You can meet Suki later.”

One Week Later

As she approached the Library’s front doors, Ursula heard giggling coming from inside. That was curious since no one ever came to the Library. Vittoria occasionally poked her head in to see how she was doing and invite her up for some lunch but she never saw anyone else. Vittoria said that was probably because no one really knew there was even a library in the building.

As she opened the door she gasped and stood frozen in place as she saw a naked man and woman on one of the tables in the library, bodies sweaty, intertwined, occupied. The man noticed her almost immediately, turned his head and stopped his movements, a look of surprise and embarrassment crossing his face. The woman, her eyes closed, her head lolling in the heat of passion, moaned and whined. “Damn it Gonz, don’t stop!!! I was close!! You’re such a fucking cunt tease!!”

“Uh, Westie, you may want to see this….”

The Girl opened her eyes and saw the bookish librarian standing in the doorway. She started to giggle.

“Ooops! Damn it, why is it I meet all the girls in this building when I’m naked.”

“I’m…sorry. I didn’t…know that this room was…occupied.” Ursula said, blushing and not knowing what quite to say or do. Gonzo got up stumbled for his clothes, which lay crumpled on the floor, a sheepish smile on his face.

“You must be Ursula. Vit told me you were the new intern. From New College right?”

“Uh…yes. You’re Mr. Chang, I take it? The armorer? And Ms. West, right? Ms. Verta told me all about you two. I mean, that you were involved. Here. As members of the team. Doing work.”

“We don’t normally do this, Ursula,” The Girl said, smiling, her polished British accent brimming with humor. She was considerably less embarrassed than Gonzo, taking her time dressing in a Gucci t-shirt and a baggy pair of drawstring shorts. “We just had a late night…”

“Or early morning…” Gonzo muttered.

“And, well when Gonzo mentioned that there was a library in the fourth floor, I had to see it. I didn’t even know there was a library in the building.”

“Well, it is kind of a secret,” Ursula said, laughing.

The Girl smiled. “Well, I love it. It’s quite an exotic collection. When I saw it, I kind of got a bit…excited and I guess things progressed from there.”

“We promise,” Gonzo said, stepping forward fully dressed. “That this won’t happen again. Honestly, we’re usually more discrete. Listen, come up to the armory sometime. We’ll get you kitted out with some gear.”

“Oh, that’s not necessary Mr. Chang. Ms. Verta’s already given me my security card and the computer. And, well, I’m only cleared for the lobby and fourth floor.”

“It’s Gonzo. Mr. Chang is a fat Vancouver pimp I shot once over a batch of weaponized shellfish neurotoxin. And I’ll have Vit buzz you up so I can kit you out with a pair of pistols. My way of saying welcome to the company.”

“Pistols? Mr. Ch—Gonzo, I’m just an intern librarian.”

“You work here, you need guns. Kind of a house rule.”

Ursula smiled as Gonzo and The Girl walked out and shook her head.

Well Girl, welcome to life in the Actionverse.

Two Weeks Later

Ursula finished cataloguing the stack of books when she heard the elevator doors chime and open. Followed by Vittoria, as usual, Suki walked into the library, stopped and looked around.

“Nice job, Intern. This place actually looks like what Vit keeps telling me a library should look like.”

“Thanks Ms. K. Is there something you wanted? I’m not quite done with today’s catalogue, but I can give you a partial list of what I’ve found….”

“Relax. Vit and I just wanted to invite you out for some lunch. You’ve been doing such a good job around here and Gonzo and Westie tell me nothing but good things about you too, I though you deserve a bit of reward. We had this business meet scheduled but it got canceled at the last minute because the guy got extracted by some ninjas and is probably being sold to another corporation in Marrakech as we speak. So anyway we’ve got these reservations at this bistro in City Center that’ll go to some waste-of-humanity lawyer if we don’t use ‘em. It’s corpy place but the seafood pasta’s an orgasm on a plate.”

Ursula smiled sweetly. “Thanks so much but I’m meeting my boyfriend for lunch today.”

“Ooo, is he cute?”

“He’s very…British. And he makes me smile.”

“In bed I hope. You have to come up to office some time when Vit here gives me a break so we can dish. Come on, Vit. Let’s go get that pasta and cock tease some lawyers.”

Three Weeks Later

The buzzer on her phone sounded. “Ursula, could you come up to the offices right away. It’s a bit of an emergency. I’ve cleared you for access on the elevator.”

Ursula rushed to the elevator and hit the buttons for the main office on the top floor. When the opened, she saw Vittoria dressed in full combat gear, body armor and weapon belts covering her body. Behind her, Suki was busy finishing her adjustments on a bright red leather body suit and stuffing it’s belts and pockets full of weapons.

“Come on, ladies.” Gonzo’s voice over a speaker. “I’ve got the Hummer fired up and armed. What’s taking so long?”

“KEEP YOUR FUCKING SHIRT ON GONZO!!! ME AND VIT WILL BE DOWN IN A SECOND WHEN I’M GOOD AND READY!!!!!”

“Suki, use the shotgun. Not that one, use the Pancor Jackhammer. It’s full auto. And use the Desert Eagles so you can share ammo with Miz Dandy.” Vittoria turned and saw Ursula watching, her eyes looking even bigger behind her glasses. “Ah Ursula. You’re New College file says that you’re an Infomancer right? Both written text and technological devices right?”

“What? Oh, yes. My specialty is Information Control, whether in book or computer format. What’s going on?”

“Zombies. Anyway, you’re proficient in computers then? Good. We need you to run the Monitor Womb. Patch into the files, the net, books, whatever and get us what we need immediately. You’re skills can do that?”

“Of course. I conjure search deamons and use info magic incantations. Did you say Zombies?”

“Yes. Klu Klux Klan Zombies in the Swamps near Dead Rebel County. It’s very American Gothic. We need….” Gonzo’s voice cut in with a burst of interference.

“Suki this isn’t a date!!! Those people aren’t going to last much longer!! Grab your gear and let’s shag ass!!!!”

“OH SHUT UP ALREADY GONZO!!! YOU’RE LIKE MY MOM!!!! THOSE PEOPLE IN THE SWAMP ARE SURVIVORS!! VITTORIA GIVES THEM A BETTER THAN 75 PERCENT CHANCE OF KEEPING THEIR NECKS AGAINST SOME PUCKERED ASS RED NECK CIVIL WAR JERK OFF ZOMBIES!!!!! BESIDES MIZ DANDY’S WITH THEM AND SHE’S AN INVISIBLE!!! WE’LL BE THERE IN NO TIME AND THEY CAN FUCKING HOLD OUT FOR A FEW MINUTES LONGER!!!”

“Suki, don’t bother with the laser. Just bring napalm rounds. And some of that consecrated salt. It might paralyze them this time. Anyway,” Vittoria continued, turning back to Ursula. “We need you to act as our Data Angel and give us all relevant info. I’ve given you full clearance. The computers should interface with your technomancy skills. Monitor our situation and give us the intel we might need. Which is basically any and all ways to kill zombies.”

“OKAY I’M READY!!! LET’S GO VIT!! WE’RE COMING DOWN GONZO, YOU WHINING ASSHOLE!!”

Vittoria shot Ursula a smile as she grabbed her Israeli assault rifle and kit bag of weapons and followed Suki into the elevator. “Monitor Womb’s the door on the end there. Don’t worry. You’ll do fine.”

Three Weeks and One Day Later

“You did good yesterday Ursula. We’re all very impressed with your skills. Your detailed information on Baron Samedi was perfect. Miz Dandy even said it was Mystery Archeology good.”

“Well I’m glad my Photographic Memory Charm Program was able to do more then help me through a vocab. test. Is Ms. K all right?”

“She’s fine. The Curse Ward Armor Gonzo made kept the bites from turning her but she’s still got a tender…posterior. Miz Dandy said it serves her right for flirting in the middle of a battle and I can’t really disagree.”

“Well he was kind of an All-American type. That has its charm.”

“Huh. I thought he was too wholesome for her type but I suppose her type is basically ‘male’ and ‘carries a gun.’ Anyway, we’ve given you full clearance for the rest of the building as a kind of reward. I know you have classes and school functions but you should enjoy some of our amenities. The Action Station in particular is amazing.”

“That’s so wonderful of you.” Ursula blinked away some tears, touched by the gesture.

“Well you’ve earned it, Ursula. You’re one of us now.”

Four Weeks Later

Ursula walked to her dorm room with a smile. It had been another great day at work. She had finished downloading the old journals of Doctor Savage into the computer and had been asked to start a Planetary Guide on vampires in the city for Vittoria. She opened the door and smiled even wider as she saw Bastian Malfoy waiting for her.

“And how are you, love?”

“Great,” she said as she kissed him, running her hands though his pale blonde hair.

“Another great day at work?”

“They trust me implicitly. They don’t suspect a thing. I’ve gotten more information on the defense systems and the vehicles in the garage. I should have all of it by next week and then I can start with the rest of the computer files. And you?”

“Even more files stolen. Giles and Mona don’t suspect a thing and I’m doing it right in front of their faces. Stupid fucking mudbloods.”

They walked over to the rune carved stone bowl. Ursula automatically sank to her knees. Bastian drew his wand from its green dragonskin scabbard and brushed it against Ursula’s temple, drawing her Picture Perfect memories out and pouring them into the Penseive. Automatically perfect hologram schematics of the Savage Building’s weaponry appeared.

“Perfect. Omi-san will be most pleased.”

“I hope I’m there to see him break those bitches,” Ursula muttered, still smiling, as she undid the front of Bastian’s pants.

“Oh you will.” His voice went into a sort of hiss as he felt her hot mouth engulf his erect cock. This was the best part of their little rituals, the depraved couplings after they complete their little thefts.

Evil conspiracy is such a fucking aphrodisiac.

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